Friends

If you look at Pinterest for more than 5 minutes then I'm sure you've all seen the quote about how it's better to have a small group of quality friends than a large group of not-so-great friends. Or something to that effect. You read it and you think "Aw, that's so true. My 2 BFF's are so great. LOVE Y'ALL GIRLS!" Until you start thinking about who you would invite to your wedding shower someday; who you will want in your wedding party someday; who will you invite to your baby shower someday. Then it gets a little depressing when you realize you're only barely halfway to the average number of bridesmaids in a wedding party.

I never had a whole lot of friends to begin with because I was one of those "I don't get a long with other girls because they're all jealous back-stabbing bitches" girls. That was the cool thing to say in high school, you know. Then I grew up and realized I was a large part of that problem. The group of friends I did have has depleted even more now that life has caught up to all of us. We've married (divorced), had babies, moved across the country for various reasons, and a long the way we've all lost touch.

I have two girls in my life that I would consider my true friends - Andrea and Christina. Even when life has gotten in the way of us hanging out as much as we'd like to, it's never gotten in the way of our friendship. I'd do anything for them and I know (I think) they'd do the same for me. They know more about me than anyone. When you have friendships like that, it's really important to try and make time to maintain it because those types of friendships don't come around very often and it's extremely hard to make friends as an adult.

My friend, Andrea, moved several hours away last year because of her husband's new job. She came back to visit with her two kids and we were able to catch up for a bit. We met for dinner and they came over to my apartment for a little while afterward. It was really funny to see our kids play together. It's a shame she doesn't have any girls. They'd be the perfect age to be my bridesmaids by the time I'll probably ever get married, ha.

Mine is the blonde one of course! ;)

Hello Monday

This is the sweet face I get to wake up when Aiden gets in my bed. The Better Blog Promotion series will continue tomorrow. Happy Monday!

Mini-Me

I've been a little MIA lately but I'm hoping to get back on a regular posting schedule next week. I've been super busy with work and life but things are finally starting to settle down. Whew!

I was going through some boxes and found an old photo album with baby pictures. It's actually the only photo album that survived a house fire my parents had a few years back because I had it with me at the time the house burned down. I never realized how much Aiden favors me until I saw these pictures. Behold the greatness! Haha

Just some rambling...

At night, I like to lay down with Aiden for a little while before he goes to sleep to have our little chats. We talk about what we did that day and sometimes we share little "secrets." Last night, I pulled up the post I had written on his birthday and showed him the little collage of pictures, particularly the ones when he was a baby.

We smiled and laughed and he made up stories about what he thought he was doing at the time those pictures were taken. I said, "You were such a happy baby! Look how happy we are!" and then he said, "Yeah, but you aren't that happy anymore."

.... "What?"

"You don't smile anymore. You just yell at me all the time," he said.

And I lost it. I just started crying and I couldn't control the tears, partly because I know, in a way, he was right. I am, by no means, a perfect parent and there are times when I lose my cool. Sometimes I yell when I don't mean to. For example, last night Aiden peed in the toilet before he went to bed. I was putting lotion on my face and he grabbed the lotion bottle when I sat it back down on the counter after I had already told him to leave it alone because he wanted to put some on his face too. He turned it upside down to shake it but when he did he dropped it in the toilet; the toilet that he hadn't flushed yet. I immediately said "AIDEN!! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE IT ALONE!" In that particular instance, I shouldn't have yelled at him like that. It wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't expensive lotion and I could always buy more but I was already exhausted and I lost my temper. He already felt bad enough when he dropped it in the toilet and when I yelled at him it hurt his feelings even worse and he was heartbroken. It broke my heart and it made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I scooped him up and cried with him. I told him I was so, so sorry for yelling at him and then we went to lay down, where the above mentioned conversation took place.

I'm sure he was still upset with me yelling at him so that's why he said I "yell at him all the time" because I don't, really. I don't yell that often but apparently I yell enough for him to think that I'm not happy anymore. Sometimes, Aiden can be a difficult child. He has a terrible attitude and he's cranky A LOT. Most of this started after his dad decided to try to be a dad again (after 3 years of not being one) so I'm sure it has something to do with that. Aiden and I butt heads a lot now because I'm the disciplinarian while his dad is the "buddy." He goes to his dad's house to have fun and play games and do whatever he wants but when he's at my house there are rules and structure and I don't let him get away with everything. It's really hard to know that you are the one doing pretty much everything, and you were the one there when someone else wasn't but now you're the "bad guy" so to speak. It's really upsetting to try to correct Aiden when he does something wrong and he comes back with "YOU'RE MEAN! I HATE YOU!" when I'm NOT being mean. I'm just telling him to pick up his mess or turn the TV off for bedtime. I figure he's just saying this stuff to get under my skin but it still hurts and it makes me feel like he really thinks that about me.

In a lot of those photos, I was a stay at home mom. We had all day to play and do fun things together. Now, it's almost 6:00pm when I get home with him, we have to find something to eat, and there's not really a whole lot of time left in the day to do anything fun. It's really disheartening and I get pretty bummed out every time I think about it. Maybe we don't do as many fun things together like we used to. He's probably bored and I'm always exhausted when I get home from work. If you're a stay at home mom, count your blessings and don't take it for granted. I would give anything to be like you again. But that's not an excuse. I need to make more of an effort to do things with him even if I am tired. Like the quote above says, everything I do or don't do is making an impression on him and the impression that he got last night is not the one I want him to have.

I guess we just have to find our balance. I try to do everything I can to show him how much I love him and that I will always be there for him but I'm not really sure if he understands it all yet.

Happy 5th Birthday, Aiden!

It's hard to believe it's already been 5 years since I was introduced to the most important person in my life. Today, at 12:00pm on the dot, my little baby will be 5 years old.

For 5 years it's been you and me, kid. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Happy Birthday, Aiden. I love you to the moon.

First Day of 2nd Year Pre-K

Aiden started his second year of Pre-K today! They have 3 year old Pre-K and 4 year old Pre-K. He will actually be 5 in September but because the cut-off date for Kindergarten is August 1st he has to wait another year. He's going to be huge! I swear he's going to look like a 2nd grader in Kindergarten.

Today is also my 25th birthday. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

I'm tired.

Really, really tired. Aiden has Swimmer's Ear and it's keeping him up at night. The past 3 nights have been miserable for the both of us. He hasn't slept for more than an hour at a time and we haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep each night. I stayed home from work yesterday because I was too tired to function and Aiden spent half the morning crying so I wasn't about to send him to daycare like that. He continued to spend the rest of the day crying, for the most part, so I made the right choice.

He finally took a nap around 4:30 for a couple of hours and there was some peace and quiet.

I really hope tonight is better for the both of us.

From the Weekend.

I'm a little bummed. A lot bummed, actually. I had planned to share this amazing summer recipe with you guys today but it was a disaster. Now, don't get me wrong, it tasted great! But the photos were TER-RI-BLE. I'm going to attempt it again sometime this week. I know what I did wrong so I know what to fix.

So, I'll share some photos from the weekend instead. Not much happened. One of my friends/ex co-worker had a birthday party for her son on Saturday that Aiden and I went to. He had sooo much fun and was totally worn out after we left. On Sunday, I ran a couple of miles around the local university's track while Aiden hung out and played his Nintendo DS! He ran around a few times too. Just trying to combat childhood obesity, y'all. After all, Arkansas is the 8th fattest state in the country. I have to say, I'm not surprised. Going to Wal-Mart is like an obstacle course in itself trying to weave your way down the aisles past big bottoms and low hanging bellies. I'm going to stop now before I get too mean.

Those strawberries? They were part of the recipe I was going to post.

Back to Reality

Just when you think Mondays couldn't get any worse, try a Monday after a vacation! My boyfriend and I took Aiden to the beach in Biloxi, MS for a few days this past week. We got there on Wednesday and left Saturday morning. I haven't been to Biloxi since I was a kid and let me tell you... it was nothing like I remembered. The water and the main beach was NASTY. Like, super nasty nasty. The sand was brown, the water was brown and dirty and it smelled awful. We ended up taking the ferry over to Ship Island on Thursday and Friday and it was so much nicer and more enjoyable.

The only bad part of the whole trip was on Wednesday night. We drove down to the main beach just to sit on the chairs and watch people shoot off fireworks. Bad idea. A group of idiots ended up settling behind us shooting off fireworks. One landed in front of us going off but didn't hit us or anything. We decided to get up and move to a different spot and right as we started walking off a glass beer bottle exploded all over my boyfriend and I. Apparently these idiots set off a firework in it. Fortunately, Aiden had ran off just a bit in front of us so it barely missed him. We didn't say anything to them because there were 2 of us (not including Aiden) and like 12 of them so we just kept walking but if that glass had done anything to Aiden I would have went backwoods Arkansas on their butt. The glass cut my boyfriend's arm and my legs a bit but it wasn't too bad. It could have been a lot worse. And this is why I hate people, you guys. I swear there is always at least one group that ruins everything for someone.

 

5 Common (and Hurtful) Misconceptions About Single Moms

If you are a single mom you know it's not easy. If you aren't, well let me tell you: it ain't easy. And it most certainly doesn't help when you have people at every turn waiting to judge you. I am not oblivious to the people who take one look at me and glance at my left hand; I assume because I look young. I've been judged by strangers, people who know me, people who think they know me, guys who probably want to date me (had I not been a mom), and maybe even a friend or two or more of my boyfriend's. Yeah, I'm not stupid either.

Some people ask a lot of questions, some valid and some pretty idiotic. Others just make assumptions and run with it without ever bothering to try and find out the truth. Of course, it's not just me we're talking about. It's all single mothers. I know we all have faced something like this by someone at least once. So, I have made a list of a few common misconceptions I've had thrown my way over the last few years.

Misconception #1: "Hey dude, you ready to be a dad? Haha."
Boys (obviously they aren't men yet) think they are really hilarious when they make this comment to one of their "bros" who happens to be dating a single mom. To us single moms, it's not that funny. Yes, there are single mothers out there who are just looking for a "daddy" to help foot the bills but those women are pretty obvious. The majority of single mothers are not looking for a random guy to come along and father their child. Most of the time, the child (or children) already have a father. That father may not be that great and he may not be as involved as he should be but he's still the dad. We are looking for a companion just as any other woman would - with child or not. If it happens to work out with the person we're dating and leads to marriage, we hope that person will accept, love, and respect our child. It's pretty insulting to us single mothers who have given 100% of ourselves to our child - raising our child on our own without the help of the other father - and doing just fine. We don't need your snarky input or your jokes. You're not funny. You're an asshole.

Misconception #2: "Dude, she already has a kid. 10 bucks says you could nail that TONIGHT."
What's worse than people assuming we're looking for a new dad is people assuming we're easy. Obviously, having a kid means you've had sex at some point even if admitting it now makes you want to vomit for a month straight. If you're anything like me, you just pretend like you're the second Mary to keep from having night terrors. But anyway, that's beside the point. First of all, being a single mom now doesn't mean the mom was always single. Some were married at one point, some were in a long-term relationship, and hey, others may have even been drunk or feeling a little frisky but that doesn't mean all of us single moms want to do you.

Misconception #3: "I wonder how much my taxes are supporting that damn kid of hers?"
First of all, I want to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with receiving government assistance if you really need it. It's nothing to be ashamed of and you should NEVER let ANYONE make you feel badly for needing it. It's there for a reason and you should be proud to be able to support your child or children even if there's a little help involved. Personally, I have never received any government assistance because I don't qualify for it. Not every single mom is laying on her butt all day while you work to pay for her child's food. In fact, according to the latest census approximately 50% of single mothers work full-time while approximately 30% work part time.

Misconception #4: We're Boring.
Hey, we may not be able to take 5 shots of vodka or stay out until 3 in the morning every night, but we're still human. We still enjoy life and sometimes, believe it or not, we like to live it every now and then too. My son goes to his dad's every other weekend and even then I don't like to drink because my biggest fear is Aiden getting hurt and ending up at the E.R. and the last thing I want to do is have to shop up drunk. But I still like to hang out with friends, go to movies, go to dinner, be around people older than 5 and do grown up things that don't involved the Green Goblin or Spiderman. Going to a bar or lounge with a group of people is still fun to us even if we don't drink so invite us out sometime. We won't talk about the potty training nightmares more than once, I swear.

Misconception #5: "Is there room in your closet for all that extra baggage?"
I don't think there's anything that pisses me off more than when Aiden or anyone's child is referred to as baggage. Now, don't get me wrong; a child is a huge commitment and responsibility and frankly, if you don't want that you need to do everyone a favor and get the fuck out, but a child is most definitely NOT baggage and anyone who thinks so doesn't even deserve to date any of the amazing single mothers I know. In fact, a few episodes ago on The Bachelorette, Kalon referred to Emily's daughter as baggage and I believe her response said it best: "It's a huge blessing. That is my heart and soul and for anyone to say that that's baggage does not deserve me, to be on any date with me." 

Being a single mom is a wonderful and rewarding experience. We are all strong women who love our children more than anything in this world. If you have ever judged someone for being a single mom, shame on you. I feel really sorry and sad for you because you are missing out on what could be a great friendship or relationship with an amazing person. Now that I have hopefully cleared up a few things, you should go read an oldie but goodie post about Tips on Dating A Single Mom written by someone who is a beautiful single mom herself!

Wordless Wednesday // Picture (un)Happy

It's Beginning to Feel a Lot Like Summer

Our Children Teach Us

I often look at Aiden and think to myself, "What did I ever do to deserve you?" I know I'm not alone in that thought as I've spoken to enough parents to learn this is a common consensus between those of us who really love our children.

My son is four and I am 24. To say that he and I are growing up together isn’t much of an exaggeration. I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. and I’ve been raising Aiden pretty much on my own since he was born. He and I have figured out a lot of things together and as much as I’ve tried teaching him how the world works, he’s ended up teaching me twice as much.

Aiden is such a sweet and wonderful little boy. He says “please” and “thank you” without being instructed to do so; he’s fairly well behaved in public and at home; he’s polite and acknowledges people when they are talking to him. But he also has his moments like the rest of us. The thing about being a single mom is there is never anyone there to give you a break. I remember when I was mouthing off to my mom, she would walk away and my dad would step in. I don’t have that. I try to discipline while being patient and not losing my cool but sometimes I lose control. Sometimes I yell – a lot louder and harsher than I intend to. I’ve said things to him in moments of fury that I wish I could take back. I’ve gotten mad about little things that weren’t a big deal and weren’t worth getting mad over and hurt his feelings. I’m not a perfect mom and he’s not a perfect child but we’re figuring this out together. He’s teaching me patience and understanding.

Sometimes when I’m in a hurry and he’s not walking fast enough or getting out of the car quick enough, I’ve said, “Hurry up! Let’s go! Walk faster!” I don’t do that anymore. He can only walk as fast as his little legs can go. I walk beside him and hold his hand without rushing him. Wherever we’re going, it can wait. People can wait.

Sometimes when he’s asked “WHY?” what feels like 100 times, I’ve said “Because! I don’t know… just stop asking!” and I hate that I’ve said that. I don’t anymore. I answer each question to the best of my ability. I don’t want him to ever stop questioning “why” things happen, etc. I answer until he’s satisfied and it helps him learn things in the process. It helps me learn things too! I’ve often had to use good ol’ Google to accurately answer a question that I didn’t know the answer to.

There were times when Aiden would ask me, “Mommy, will you play with me? Here – you can be Superman!” as he hands me an action figure. I would put it down and say, “Hang on just a second.” while I was scrolling through Facebook’s newsfeed on my iPhone app. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you how many times something similar to this has happened before my wake-up call. I’ve lost out on a lot of precious hours of playtime because I thought getting caught up on the latest gossip between Rebecca and Mark’s dysfunctional relationship was more important. And you know when it hit me? The last time this happened, he sat on the floor with his action figures and said, “I don’t have anyone to play with me. I’m all alone.” I looked up from my phone and felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. Just thinking about that statement brings tears to my eyes. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. How could I do this to my child? I was blessed with this sweet, loving, smart, and beautiful child and I’ve made him feel like he’s all alone because I couldn’t put my damn phone down long enough to give him the attention he wants, needs, and most importantly, deserves, from his mother – the only real and consistent parental figure he has.

I’ve never felt like more of a failure than I did that night. The worst part is, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I didn’t realize how much I was on my phone until I set it down. I didn’t realize how often I was physically present but not there. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but I know I’m not alone. I know I can’t be the only parent doing this all the while completely unaware of how disconnected you are to your child. I remember coming home from school when I was younger and eating at the dinner table with my parents and sister. If the phone rang, we’d let the answering machine get it. If they didn’t leave a message, my mom or dad would check the Caller ID after clearing the table. If it was important, they would call them back for a quick chat and then we’d all go outside to play. When I pick up Aiden from school, we usually go out to eat and the first thing I would do after sitting down in the restaurant is pull out my phone to “check in” on Foursquare.

I decided to make a change. A change that, really, I shouldn’t even have to make because it shouldn’t be like that anyway. After picking up Aiden from school and coming home, I consider myself “unplugged” from technology while I’m spending time with my child. No Facebook, no Twitter, no more “catching up blogs” on my phone while Aiden plays on the playground. Instead, we’ll be cooking dinner – together – something he loves to do. He loves helping me stir the food or pour things into bowls and pots. We’ll be playing superheroes uninterrupted. While he’s playing on the playground, I’ll be pushing him on the swing, helping him across the monkey bars, or taking photos of him having fun while he doesn’t need my assistance. It’s been about a week now since I’ve come to this realization and Aiden’s mood has gotten a whole lot better and I know it’s not just a coincidence. He’s happier and I’m happier.

If this feels all too familiar with you, I urge you to take a step back and examine your presence in your child’s life. When he or she says, “Mommy! Look how I wrote my name all by myself!” would you look at it and respond with “Wow, you did a great job!” or would your eyes be down looking at your phone while you mumble “Mmmhmm!”? I used to do the latter. It’s all too easy to get caught up in other things because everything online is so conveniently accessible on a little device that fits in the palm of our hands but while the news will always be there, our children won’t. How can you learn anything from your children if you aren’t paying attention to them?

What I've been up to.

I've been hesitant to post here lately because I'm in the middle of switching blogs. Between working on a design for my new blog and working on designs for clients, I haven't had much time to think or write. I really hate switching blogs because I do this a lot. I wasn't too happy with this blog name when I first started it and I wouldn't really classify myself as a "mommy blogger" so the title doesn't really fit too well in my opinion. Plus, I don't plan on being a "single mom" forever (God willing! haha) and I would rather switch now rather than 2, 3, 4+ years from now when I've invested more time and energy into it. So, expect a post soon telling you all to please follow a new blog because this one will cease to exist soon :)

In other news, I bought a new laptop because mine completely died on me. It's an HP something or other. I'm probably an anomaly in the "tech" world. I'm a graphic and web designer (it's my full-time job) but I wouldn't classify myself as a "geek" like most do. I'm not really interested in geeky things or the tech side of it. I just like making the internet pretty. So, my computer is nothing fancy. It's not a sleek-looking MAC, it doesn't have 29084508342 gigabytes of ram. But it gets the job done and it didn't break the bank. I'm a simple girl. I also got a Bamboo tablet. I haven't had the chance to play with it yet because Aiden has sort of stolen it from me.

We haven't had a horrible Winter this year, but this past weekend it was pretty nice outside so I took Aiden to the little playground at our apartment complex.

 

AND! I tried something different with my hair. I found this hair tutorial on Pinterest but modified it a bit. My hair will not hold a curl to save my life. I wish I could find pictures from my 10th grade Homecoming. My poor stylist used about 2 or 3 cans of hairspray on my curls and they fell out before I ever got to the dance. I modified the tutorial a bit. I braided my hair while it was still wet, went to sleep, then followed the actual directions once I woke up and you can see the results below. I'm not sure what I think about it. My hair has never been anything but straight so it was weird. The first picture was taken about as soon as I woke up (obviously - still in my PJ's - which are just old sweats from when I was pregnant, lol). My hair felt really poofy so I put it in a low side ponytail (as you can see the other photo). I'm going to give it another shot this weekend. Oh, and it lasted all day... and the next day.

This past weekend.

I meant to blog about this on Sunday but I decided to be lazy. Then I meant to blog last night but Aiden had a belly ache so I spent two hours laying down with him rubbing his belly while he fell asleep leaving me to fall asleep about 10 minutes later. So, today it is. This morning, actually. I set my alarm clock 30 minutes earlier just to give me enough time.

On Saturday, Aiden, my boyfriend, and I went to Memphis, TN with my parents. It's only an hour drive from where I live so it's nice to get away to the "big city" every now and then. Aiden wanted to sit by my boyfriend and me so we all got close and cozy in the 3rd row seat of my parent's Navigator and took pictures, of course. I was kind of loving my eye makeup that day, and my hair. It's not often both my hair and makeup cooperate. I used e.l.f. Essential Brightening Eye Color in Drama. It's only $1.00 and it lasts forever. It's super pigmented and a little goes a looong way. So, if you're looking for some check eyeshadow for a smokey eye look, check it out.

When we arrived in Memphis, we stopped downtown at Huey's for lunch. I love their cheeseburgers - seriously. So amazing. We had the sausage and cheese plate for an appetizer and while it was good, I prefer Rendezvous' version by far. There really is no comparison. Aiden insisted on squeezing between my mom and dad. He's so in love with my dad it's crazy. He tells me a lot: "I wish papaw was my daddy." Melts my heart! I'm a total daddy's girl so I love it :)

After we ate we headed toward the mall. My mom needed a new purse and I needed to buy Aiden a couple of pairs of shoes. He goes through shoes ridiculously fast and it's not because he outgrows them, they just wear out super quick. I guess he plays hard at school - who knows. I love the Wolfchase mall in Memphis because they always have some fun things for kids to do. They had some sort of bungee-jump thing for kids and as soon as Aiden saw it he was ALL ABOUT trying it out. He's obsessed with superheroes right now and the first thing he said was "Look, I can jump high like Spiderman on that thing!" And he did :) 

Then we rode the carousel.

I guess he had a long day :)

I hope you all had a great weekend as well!

My future husband should appreciate this.

I sort of had the day off today due to some events that will remain unpublicized. First off, I want to point out the things that I learned today:

1. If you're a housewife, the house should NEVER be dirty.
2. There is no excuse whatsoever for a housewife to NOT have a body comparable to that of a Victoria's Secret model.
3. I can never be a housewife.

This should be good news to any man who might want to marry me someday. At least he'll know his wife won't want to be a lazy bum and sit around the house. A stay-at-home mom I could totally do - I have been that before and it was fabulous - but once the kids are in school, off to work I go.

I can't particularly work from home because my laptop is on the fritz. Internet Explorer works better on it than Firefox if that tells you anything. It's basically a 6 year old computer that died 5 years ago and miraculously came back to life just when my "new" desktop bit the dust. I seriously think the computer Gods knew I was broke as a MF but couldn't live without a computer (even though it's slow and freezes for 5 minutes every 2 minutes).

Instead, I ran to the grocery store to get some things I needed for a crockpot roast for dinner. I used this recipe for those interested. It was delicious! There are no leftovers, unfortunately. After I got that started I straightened things up around my apartment a bit, ran a few errands and worked out. I got so bored I worked out but I needed to anyway. You see, I've had this app for a while called iFitness but I was so busy using Lose It and Couch25K that it was overlooked and neglected. Today, however, I rediscovered it on my phone and found an exercise program I think I'm really going to like. It's called the "5 Day Full Body Toning Program." I did all of the suggested tonight exercises for Day 1 except I jogged/walked for 30 minutes first then walked again for 10 minutes afterward instead of just doing 10 minutes of cardio at the end.

Pssst. This app is on sale for 99 cents right now in the App Store so go check it out! I can't remember what I paid but I want to say $2.99? I could be wrong...

After showering I got ready to pick up my son from pre-school, ran a few errands and headed home. We ate dinner, watched a He-Man movie and then Aiden morphed into He-Man himself and kept showing off his "big, strong muscles."

Looks pretty threatening, right?

P.S. I swear I feed my child. He's just a skinny-mini.

If tomorrow never comes.

This is an extremely hard topic for me to think about and it's definitely difficult to write about as well but it is something I think of quite often.

What if I died today? Or tomorrow? Or anytime within the next 14 years?

Is that morbid? It's something that haunts me and if I were being perfectly honest, it's something that keeps me from doing a lot of things. Traveling, for one. Death is scary, for sure, but more than anything I worry about what will happen to Aiden. Obviously, his dad would automatically be granted custody I suppose and that terrifies me.

You see, he wasn't really in Aiden's life for the first 3 1/2 years and when he was there he wasn't there. He's only been exercising his visitation rights since last June and even then he's still a little unpredictable. Nine times out of ten, he brings Aiden back dirty, smelly, and in mismatched clothes at least one size too small. The clothes I send Aiden in never make it back; I'm lucky if I ever see them again. Would he read Aiden his favorite books 5 times in a row? Would he put an old sheet on the floor and let Aiden paint his little heart out on every blank piece of paper he can find? Would he make him brush his teeth every night and every morning?

No, I don't think so. I am all Aiden has and the thought that he could grow up without me is terrifying because I only want what's best for him and I know what the alternative is.

"Thanksgiving" Lunch with Aiden

Thanksgiving is exactly one week away.

Today, Aiden's preschool had a Thanksgiving Lunch for the kids and all of the parents were invited as well. The look on Aiden's face when he turned around and saw me was amazing. I haven't seen him that genuinely excited in a while! It was just the look of pure joy. He already had his tray of food so I went and stood in line for mine. I heard a familiar voice yelling "Mommy!" and when I looked over, he had the biggest grin and was waving his little arm as hard as he could. That little boy is everything I am thankful for.

After everyone was finished eating, the teachers for each class told the kids to line up and get ready to go back to the classroom. Aiden started to walk toward the line and then froze and turned around. His face was red and he had a waterfall of tears streaming down his cheeks when he said "Mommy, please don't go back to work! Stay with me!" It was everything I could do not to burst out into tears myself. I told him I would walk him back to his classroom and he calmed down for a little while until we got to the door. The kids were getting ready to go play on the playground so I told him I would walk to the playground with him but then I would have to leave.

He started laughing and getting into a better mood on the walk to the playground. We went through the gates, I put him down, told him bye and he took off running toward a group of children. I started walking back to my car, but turned to look and I heard him yelling for me and he was running toward the fence as fast as he could. It was heartbreaking. There is nothing worse than having to leave him while he's crying for me. It makes me feel like I'm abandoning him and it hurts. It hurts because I don't know if he really understands that I'm leaving because I have to and not because I want to. Damn these feminists. Moms should never have to work!