Let Your Faith Be Bigger Than Your Fear.

As if you haven't seen/heard that quote a million times in your life already.

When I think about what I'm most of afraid, the obvious things come to mind: something bad happening to Aiden, the death of a family member, my death, spiders, clowns, airplanes, public speaking...

You know, I went to a church service a few weekends ago and the preacher was talking about fear. Bear with be folks. I'm not getting religious on you, this is actually interesting. He said that in a survey (I can't remember the source), 9 out of 10 people listed public speaking as their biggest fear over dying. The preacher said, "Basically that means if you were at a funeral, most of those people would rather be in the casket than give the eulogy!" Fear is a funny thing isn't it?

While all those things I listed above are legitimate fears of mine, there's one I didn't list that has actually had more significance in my life and that's the fear of failure. I'm willing to bet almost everyone is afraid to fail to some extent. I'd even say a lot of you have been so afraid to fail you just chose not to do whatever it was you had the opportunity to do. There are quite a few times in my life I've passed up some pretty cool opportunities because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it and then everyone would think I was a fool. I used to think it would be better to try so I could have control. If I didn't try, I wouldn't fail, and everyone would be none the wiser.

When I was in 7th grade I wanted to try out for the dance team. I worked my ass off during practice at school and even went to a girl's house after school practice to practice some more. I had the routine down for sure. When try out day came I started getting anxious. I knew I would have to learn a lot more and a lot more complicate routines. I became so afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it if I was chosen that I messed up at try outs on purpose so I would be cut. I regret that now because I probably would have made more friends and it probably would have forced me to come out of my shell in high school. Plus I would have had some killer legs.

When I went to college, I chose nursing as my major with the intent to get my Master's in Nurse Anesthesia. I felt like that was my dream career and I was so excited to start college and work my way toward that goal. But a month in to it I started worrying about not being able to pass all the exams I would have to take later on. I thought, "What if I can't get into nursing school after spending all this time and money? And then, even if I get into nursing school, what if I can't get into the Nurse Anesthetist program? Then I'm stuck being a nurse (which I did NOT want to do)." So, not knowing what else I would like to change my major to, I dropped out. I planned to figure it all out later and go back to school "next year." Then life happened and now 8 years later, I still don't have a degree in anything and it's taken me this long to find a real career and a great paying job. Dropping out did end up okay though because I wouldn't have liked working varying shifts at a hospital. Plus, I absolutely love what I do now.

A few months ago, when I found out about my current job position, I almost didn't even apply (I'll stop talking about my new job soon, I swear. This topic just happened to apply haha). I thought, "Well... I don't have a degree. They probably won't even consider me. I doubt I'm even good enough. They'll probably take one look at my portfolio and laugh." But then I thought, "You know what? These people don't know me. If they don't like my work, they won't contact me. I'll go in the trash like all the others who are under qualified. If they do like what they see, they'll contact me." What did I have to lose? I was barely paying my bills and I was absolutely miserable. So I stayed up until 4 o'clock in the morning fine tuning my résumé and setting up an online portfolio and I hit send. They contacted me the next day, then I got a phone interview, then I interviewed in person, and was offered (and accepted) the job on the spot. But then I had 2 weeks to find a place to live, a school for Aiden, and pack up everything to move 2.5 hours away to a city I knew nothing about. About a week into the moving process I almost called it quits. I didn't think I could do it, but I put that fear behind me and I did it anyway. It's only been a couple of months but I am so ridiculously happy with my life. I'm rediscovering myself in so many ways. I didn't realize how miserable I was until I became truly happy with life. I'm even single now. I feel like I'm a better and more patient mom to Aiden. I'm reconnecting with old high school & college friends who live here now and I'm having do much fun, I'm finally living again. And maybe I will fail. Maybe I'm riding a high right now and once the dust has settled, things won't work out like I want them to. While I truly hope that totally wrong, I'm okay with that. Because for the first time in my life, I did something outside my comfort zone. I tried. I won't have any regrets.

It's so easy to just not do something and continue your routine. "Fear is a habit. So is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resignation. You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves, 'I can!' and 'I will!'"

Day 7: Blog Everyday in May Challenge

Blog Identity Crises + Sponsorship

I'm having a blog identity crises of sorts which explains the lack of posting on my part. Well, that and a few other reasons.

I was laid off from my job as a full-time web designer a couple of weeks ago. I've been working as an independent contractor for a popular blog design company for about a month or so now so, financially, I'm doing just fine but I've been super busy focusing my time on those projects now to make sure I can bring in a fairly regular income for myself.

I've had a few people contact me for blog designs. If that's you, I know, I haven't written you back. I've received your email, I read it, I meant to write back and then I got busy and forgot. You'll hear from me soon, I promise. If you've found someone else by then - no worries! If you haven't, I look forward to talking with you soon :)

I hate my domain/blog name. I feel like it's too fluffy and I'm not a fluffy person to be quite honest. I feel like I can't be honest and raw in some of my posts because sometimes things I want to say aren't so "darling." I don't want to quit blogging, I just want a blog that reflects me and what I do perfectly so I've been trying to brainstorm some things and figure out where I want to be.

Last but not least... and I'm saving it for last because it's something that has bugging me but it's something that may offend others. I don't want it to, so hopefully you will understand where I'm coming from. I hate sponsors. There, I said it. Okay, I don't necessarily hate it, but... let me explain. First of all, I LOVE visiting tons of blogs and from there, visiting their sponsors. I've found my absolute favorite blogs that way and I still do it - all the time. So, if you are sponsoring a blog to gain new readers or whatever reason, don't stop! It's working. I promise there are tons of people like me who "blog hop" this way. There's absolutely nothing wrong with sponsoring a blog or offering sponsorship. Your blog is property, it's valuable and it should be seen as such, especially if you have a large and loyal following. My problem is, I was a blogger back in the old days (ha!). I was a blogger back in the day where you promoted your friends and blogs you loved just for the sake of loving them. You wanted to promote your friends! Now, it sort of feels fake to me. You sponsor a blog, they give you a shout out about how awesome and amazing your blog is, but they don't even follow you back on GFC (or Bloglovin, or Hellocotton, or whatever). If they love your blog so much, why don't they follow it? Or comment? Or interact with you on social media?

I'll continue to sponsor blogs that I like because like I said, I don't think there's anything wrong with it in general and I want to support people who spend a good amount of their time creating content for me to read and enjoy. But, personally, it's not for me. I don't feel right asking other bloggers to give me money to display their blogs on my sidebar, especially if I'm not going to update EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I can't promise to do that because I have to work for a living and I have a child to raise who deserves my attention. I don't think it would be fair to other bloggers to accept their money and then go a week without blogging. I don't have the luxury of sitting at home all day doing whatever I want. If I did, of course I'd post everyday! I love blogging! I WISH I had more time for it and I envy those who do.

If I like your blog I'll grab your button (or ask you if you have one in a size I need) and I'll put it on my sidebar. I'll continue to offer some sort of paid sponsorship for BUSINESSES and I'll continue to offer (free) Sponsor Swaps but I will not be accepting money from bloggers in general. I just don't think it's right for me or my blog and I have to stay true to who I am. I'll be updating my Sponsor page to reflect these changes within the next day or two so if you try to purchase ad space, it will probably be kept "pending approval" until I get this all figured out.

If you do accept sponsors, please don't think I am criticizing you in any way. I understand the value of a blog, trust me; especially if your blog is your source of income. However, it's not mine and it's not intended to be. Blogging is purely a hobby for me so I don't feel like making money off it from other bloggers is right for me at this time.

Just some rambling...

At night, I like to lay down with Aiden for a little while before he goes to sleep to have our little chats. We talk about what we did that day and sometimes we share little "secrets." Last night, I pulled up the post I had written on his birthday and showed him the little collage of pictures, particularly the ones when he was a baby.

We smiled and laughed and he made up stories about what he thought he was doing at the time those pictures were taken. I said, "You were such a happy baby! Look how happy we are!" and then he said, "Yeah, but you aren't that happy anymore."

.... "What?"

"You don't smile anymore. You just yell at me all the time," he said.

And I lost it. I just started crying and I couldn't control the tears, partly because I know, in a way, he was right. I am, by no means, a perfect parent and there are times when I lose my cool. Sometimes I yell when I don't mean to. For example, last night Aiden peed in the toilet before he went to bed. I was putting lotion on my face and he grabbed the lotion bottle when I sat it back down on the counter after I had already told him to leave it alone because he wanted to put some on his face too. He turned it upside down to shake it but when he did he dropped it in the toilet; the toilet that he hadn't flushed yet. I immediately said "AIDEN!! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE IT ALONE!" In that particular instance, I shouldn't have yelled at him like that. It wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't expensive lotion and I could always buy more but I was already exhausted and I lost my temper. He already felt bad enough when he dropped it in the toilet and when I yelled at him it hurt his feelings even worse and he was heartbroken. It broke my heart and it made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I scooped him up and cried with him. I told him I was so, so sorry for yelling at him and then we went to lay down, where the above mentioned conversation took place.

I'm sure he was still upset with me yelling at him so that's why he said I "yell at him all the time" because I don't, really. I don't yell that often but apparently I yell enough for him to think that I'm not happy anymore. Sometimes, Aiden can be a difficult child. He has a terrible attitude and he's cranky A LOT. Most of this started after his dad decided to try to be a dad again (after 3 years of not being one) so I'm sure it has something to do with that. Aiden and I butt heads a lot now because I'm the disciplinarian while his dad is the "buddy." He goes to his dad's house to have fun and play games and do whatever he wants but when he's at my house there are rules and structure and I don't let him get away with everything. It's really hard to know that you are the one doing pretty much everything, and you were the one there when someone else wasn't but now you're the "bad guy" so to speak. It's really upsetting to try to correct Aiden when he does something wrong and he comes back with "YOU'RE MEAN! I HATE YOU!" when I'm NOT being mean. I'm just telling him to pick up his mess or turn the TV off for bedtime. I figure he's just saying this stuff to get under my skin but it still hurts and it makes me feel like he really thinks that about me.

In a lot of those photos, I was a stay at home mom. We had all day to play and do fun things together. Now, it's almost 6:00pm when I get home with him, we have to find something to eat, and there's not really a whole lot of time left in the day to do anything fun. It's really disheartening and I get pretty bummed out every time I think about it. Maybe we don't do as many fun things together like we used to. He's probably bored and I'm always exhausted when I get home from work. If you're a stay at home mom, count your blessings and don't take it for granted. I would give anything to be like you again. But that's not an excuse. I need to make more of an effort to do things with him even if I am tired. Like the quote above says, everything I do or don't do is making an impression on him and the impression that he got last night is not the one I want him to have.

I guess we just have to find our balance. I try to do everything I can to show him how much I love him and that I will always be there for him but I'm not really sure if he understands it all yet.

I'm Not Sorry that I'm Not Sorry for Having a Child.

 Photo Source // No Kids Allowed | Strollerderby

I'm sure, by now, most of you have heard about the parents of the infant twins who passed out treat bags with a pre-written apology should their 14 week old twins cause a ruckus. First of all, I want to make it known that this post is not to bash them in anyway whatsoever. I think what they did was extremely considerate. That said, it's really sad that most people aren't that considerate and they found it necessary to do that to begin with. It's really unfortunate that we live in a world where people have to apologize for being parents. We shouldn't have to apologize for our babies crying. Babies are babies. Babies cry. Anyone with half a brain knows that and although some people have obviously forgotten, they were once babies too (I KNOW RIGHT? THE HORROR!).

But this post isn't about that one incident as much as it is about this "No Children Allowed" mentality that people and businesses are bringing to the forefront here lately. I'm not sure when it became trendy to hate kids but it's a good thing these adults are adults now so they don't have to hate themselves (or maybe they are miserable and that's why they're so darn grouchy?). I have a huge problem that people are finding an issue these days with allowing babies and children in public and while the articles themselves are pretty pathetic, the comments sections are even worse. I get so tired of hearing (and reading) people say things like "When I was a kid, if I acted out I got smacked but parents are too lazy these days." First of all, these people saying that misbehaved kids need to be smacked would probably be the first ones to call CPS if someone actaully DID smack their child for being a brat.

We shouldn't feel the need to apologize for taking our kids on an airplane, bringing our kids into a restaurant that doesn't have a talking mouse, taking maternity leave or staying home a few days to take care of our sick child. I'm a single mom. I'm doing the best I can and AT LEAST I'm not sitting on my rear at home eating the bag of chips I got with foodstamps. I'm trying to be a good employee while being a good mom but it's hard, especially when you have people judging your parenting choices with every move you make. This new "No Children Allowed" mentality is nothing but an excuse to condemn parents for doing a "shitty job" in a world that, generally, isn't all that supportive of families anymore to begin with. I'm not sorry that I bring my son to nice restaurants to eat because he deserves good food just as much as you do and I will not be told that I should just stay home or stick to Burger King until he's "older." If he happens to get a little bit loud because he has something exciting to tell me or he gets a little bit cranky, well, deal with it, because your little business partner on his phone discussing contracts at the top of his lungs is no less annoying to me than my child is to you but I haven't grabbed his phone away and dunked it in his glass of water (yet). I'd rather hear a baby cry at Macy's because its tired than hear a grown women gripe out an employee for not holding her dress an hour past the hold time because, well, THE ADULT KNOWS BETTER and I'd much rather smack that snooty woman around, believe me. The point is, just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they're going to be quiet anymore than it means a kid is going to be loud.

I respect that people desire peace and quiet. I'm fairly certain that's normal for, like, everyone. I've never met someone who just LOVED noise. But life is short and the "child" time is even shorter and I want to spend some of that time in public and no one is going to tell me where I can and can not take my child just because they think their ears are too good to hear a little bit of noise every now and then. Now, am I going to just allow my child to scream at the top of his lungs for no reason? Of course not. Aiden is very well-behaved in public and he very rarely throws any kinds of fits. If he did, I would take him to a restroom until he calmed down if it was that bad. Some parents are obviously not that considerate but that's just one of those "it's part of life" kind of things. We have movie theaters banning children under 6 except for certain days, select Whole Foods offering kid-free shopping days by providing a daycare, and even restaurants banning children under 6. Is this not discrimination? Why is this okay?

As a single mom, I already have to share the little time I do have every other weekend with his dad. On top of that, I spend another 40 hours a week feeling like I'm inconviencing the work world for having a kid and, God forbid, putting him first. And now, our children are inconveniencing the entire population just by being out in public? No thank you. Children NEED to be out in the world. They need to experience the outside environment and general socialization. Children can not learn how to thrive or behave in public if they aren't allowed out in it. Children are not second-class citizens and I will be damned before I even think about apologizing to the rest of the world for being a parent.

An Ode to Excedrin Migraine

This is me today. Ok, so I'm kind of cheating. I ran out of Excedrin a while ago since they discontinued it (temporarily?) but Excedrin was my first love. Fortunately, stores have their own generic brand of it called, well.. many different things. And let me tell you a secret.. the "Migraine" ones and the "Extra Strength" is the same formula but the extra strength is cheaper. You're welcome.

An Ode to {GENERIC} Excedrin Migraine

My head and I are at a war
It likes to cause me pain
Just when I can't take anymore
I reach for Excedrin Migraine

Soon my migraine will pass
like it was never really there
but sometimes it gives me gas
and I have to get some fresh air

But still I love that little pill
they give me so much relief
cause my migraines, they kill
and they cause me tons of grief

Peace out. ✌

People.

My dad asked me at lunch yesterday, "Did you see the older man pushing his shopping cart on your way to work this morning?"

"Yeah, I did but he was sitting at the end of someone's driveway."

"Sheriff Hughes* stopped by the shop to chat and told me I'd see an old man pushing a shopping cart come by in a little bit but he said 'He's alright. I stopped and talked to him yesterday. He says he's a songwriter and on his way to Branson to try to sell his songs.'"

* Names changed.

Do you ever come across strangers and wonder about their life? I kept thinking a little about this man. He had to be in his 50's or 60's. He had a long, white beard, raggedy clothes and was pushing a shopping cart that contained food, water, and a backpack. There's no telling where he started or how long he'd been traveling. He said he was headed to Branson, MO which is a 4 hour drive from here. I'm sure he was homeless. I often wonder how people end up that way, how their lives were before, if they ever had money, lived comfortably, or if they were always poor. I wonder what his songs were about and if they were actually good.

Then there are your every day people you see at the grocery store. There's the elderly couple, walking down the bread aisle. As the woman is busy looking for which bread is on sale her husband takes a loaf and pats her on the butt with it. She turns around and laughs, "Shame on you, Fred!" And I can't help but smile. I like to imagine they met when she was 16 and he picked her up in his Ford Model B and as she was leaving the house her momma hollered, "You be careful, Ruby, and don't let that boy take you somewhere you don't want to go." And she said, "Yes ma'am. Love you momma" and climbed in the passenger seat, smoothing down her dress tail. They knew it was love after that first date and they've been together for 64 years now. They're still just as much in love as they were then, they attend church every Sunday and they'll probably die together too because God would never let a couple in love like that suffer without each other. It gives me hope that I'll find someone who will love me like that, forever.

Every now and then I'll remember the time when I was training to be a CNA. We had to "work" in a nursing home for a week as part of the training. One of my assigned residents was a man in his late 30s. I thought it was odd that someone so young would need to be in a nursing home. Once I met him I learned he had Parkinson's disease and it was pretty advanced. I had to shave his face, feed him sometimes because his hands would shake so badly, and help him get dressed. He would tell me stories about his life before he became sick. He was an aspiring actor living in Los Angeles and had landed some pretty good roles in major movies. He showed me photos of himself on set and with the other actors, one of them being Jack Nicholson. It was on the set of a movie of which he had landed a major role when he became diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He said he kept fainting but thought it might be from exhaustion. After it started to interfere with the role, he was urged to see a doctor and from then on received his diagnosis. He removed himself from the role and moved back to Arkansas to live with a family member. His disease progressed a lot quicker than expected and his brother (the family member he was living with) said he didn't have time to give him the help he needed. He told me he had spent the last 4 years in various nursing homes trying to find one he liked and not one time had his family come to visit him at any of them. He had such a colorful past and a bright future ahead of him but it was taken away in just a matter of years.

Do you ever catch yourself wondering what a stranger's life might be like?