Just some rambling...

At night, I like to lay down with Aiden for a little while before he goes to sleep to have our little chats. We talk about what we did that day and sometimes we share little "secrets." Last night, I pulled up the post I had written on his birthday and showed him the little collage of pictures, particularly the ones when he was a baby.

We smiled and laughed and he made up stories about what he thought he was doing at the time those pictures were taken. I said, "You were such a happy baby! Look how happy we are!" and then he said, "Yeah, but you aren't that happy anymore."

.... "What?"

"You don't smile anymore. You just yell at me all the time," he said.

And I lost it. I just started crying and I couldn't control the tears, partly because I know, in a way, he was right. I am, by no means, a perfect parent and there are times when I lose my cool. Sometimes I yell when I don't mean to. For example, last night Aiden peed in the toilet before he went to bed. I was putting lotion on my face and he grabbed the lotion bottle when I sat it back down on the counter after I had already told him to leave it alone because he wanted to put some on his face too. He turned it upside down to shake it but when he did he dropped it in the toilet; the toilet that he hadn't flushed yet. I immediately said "AIDEN!! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE IT ALONE!" In that particular instance, I shouldn't have yelled at him like that. It wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't expensive lotion and I could always buy more but I was already exhausted and I lost my temper. He already felt bad enough when he dropped it in the toilet and when I yelled at him it hurt his feelings even worse and he was heartbroken. It broke my heart and it made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I scooped him up and cried with him. I told him I was so, so sorry for yelling at him and then we went to lay down, where the above mentioned conversation took place.

I'm sure he was still upset with me yelling at him so that's why he said I "yell at him all the time" because I don't, really. I don't yell that often but apparently I yell enough for him to think that I'm not happy anymore. Sometimes, Aiden can be a difficult child. He has a terrible attitude and he's cranky A LOT. Most of this started after his dad decided to try to be a dad again (after 3 years of not being one) so I'm sure it has something to do with that. Aiden and I butt heads a lot now because I'm the disciplinarian while his dad is the "buddy." He goes to his dad's house to have fun and play games and do whatever he wants but when he's at my house there are rules and structure and I don't let him get away with everything. It's really hard to know that you are the one doing pretty much everything, and you were the one there when someone else wasn't but now you're the "bad guy" so to speak. It's really upsetting to try to correct Aiden when he does something wrong and he comes back with "YOU'RE MEAN! I HATE YOU!" when I'm NOT being mean. I'm just telling him to pick up his mess or turn the TV off for bedtime. I figure he's just saying this stuff to get under my skin but it still hurts and it makes me feel like he really thinks that about me.

In a lot of those photos, I was a stay at home mom. We had all day to play and do fun things together. Now, it's almost 6:00pm when I get home with him, we have to find something to eat, and there's not really a whole lot of time left in the day to do anything fun. It's really disheartening and I get pretty bummed out every time I think about it. Maybe we don't do as many fun things together like we used to. He's probably bored and I'm always exhausted when I get home from work. If you're a stay at home mom, count your blessings and don't take it for granted. I would give anything to be like you again. But that's not an excuse. I need to make more of an effort to do things with him even if I am tired. Like the quote above says, everything I do or don't do is making an impression on him and the impression that he got last night is not the one I want him to have.

I guess we just have to find our balance. I try to do everything I can to show him how much I love him and that I will always be there for him but I'm not really sure if he understands it all yet.